How To Deal With Grief in Children
by Sierra Sparks, MFT on 02/20/12
Talking to children about death must be at their own development level. Children pay close attention to how the adults interpret and respond to tragedy. How they see adults act to a situation is how they will personally respond as well. Reactions include: shock, regression (acting younger), asking a lot of questions, and intense emotions. You can help your child cope by:
-let children tell their story and just listen
-don't assume that they understand death
-help them understand no matter what age
-don't lie to them about the event
-don't assume they will grieve in a particular way
-take care of yourself and let yourself grieve as well
-watch for symptoms of depression and anxiety and seek help if needed
Developmental phases in understanding death are:
The youngest children may perceive that adults are sad, but have no real understanding of the meaning or significance of death.
Preschoolers: Young children may deny death as a formal event and may see death as reversible. They may interpret death as a separation, not a permanent condition. Preschool and even early elementary children may link certain events and magical thinking with the causes of death. For instance, as a result of the World Trade Center disaster, some children may imagine that going into tall buildings may cause someone’s death.
Early Elementary School: Children at this age (approximately 5-9) start to comprehend the finality of death. They begin to understand that certain circumstances may result in death. They can see that, if large planes crash into buildings, people in the planes and buildings will be killed. In case of war images, young children may not be able to differentiate between what they see on television, and what might happen in their own neighborhood. However, they may over-generalize, particularly at ages 5-6—if jet planes don’t fly, then people don’t die. At this age, death is perceived as something that happens to others, not to oneself or one’s family.
Middle School: Children at this level have the cognitive understanding to comprehend death as a final event that results in the cessation of all bodily functions. They may not fully grasp the abstract concepts discussed by adults or on the TV news but are likely to be guided in their thinking by a concrete understanding of justice. They may experience a variety of feelings and emotions, and their expressions may include acting out or self-injurious behaviors as a means of coping with their anger, vengeance and despair.
High School: Most teens will fully grasp the meaning of death in circumstances such as an automobile accident, illness and even the World Trade Center or Pentagon disasters. They may seek out friends and family for comfort or they may withdraw to deal with their grief. Teens (as well as some younger children) with a history of depression, suicidal behavior and chemical dependency are at particular risk for prolonged and serious grief reactions and may need more careful attention from home and school during these difficult times.