How to talk with your teen is challenging (6 TIPS)
by Sierra Sparks, MFT on 07/15/15
How do you start a conversation with a reluctant teen? Here are six ideas to try.
1. Start with something EASY! Not every conversation has to be about feelings and relationships. Read a book and discuss the choices the characters made. Watch a movie and talk about it.Take an article from a teen magazine and discuss it. Share thoughts about the last sermon the two of you heard.
2. Use time at the table. Family dinners encourage conversations, but let everybody share the load. Think of a few questions for people to answer, and avoid judging the replies. Some possible topics: quizzes at school, favorite films, reports due, assemblies attended, geography trivia, headline news.
3. Refine your questions. Learn to ask gentle questions that require more than a yes-or-no answer. Let's say you and your teen are at a Mexican restaurant. You might start the conversation by asking:
"How is life going for you?"
If your teen just shrugs and bites into that giant burrito, try some less-sweeping queries. "What level of your video game are you at now? What's the most challenging thing about it?"
"How do you think basketball is going? Where do you want to improve? What's Coach Welch say about the team's prospects?"
If your teen still doesn't want to talk about herself, get her talking about her friends. "What do you like best about Sara?"
4. Make the most of drive time. Tired of being your teen's chauffeur? Unless talking in the car disturbs your concentration as a driver, discuss topics that come up naturally. That might include the weather, where your teen would like to go if he could go anywhere, the rudeness of a driver who cuts you off or the kinds of cars your teen likes.
5. Use the cover of darkness. Some kids find it easier to talk at night, especially in the dark. If you go into your teen's room at bedtime to pray, ask for a prayer request; it might lead to his opening up and sharing concerns.
Another nighttime opportunity: Greeting your teen after a date, offering a snack and making yourself available for a chat. One parent told us, "We found that if we waited up for them after a date or a night out with friends, they seemed to let down their guard and share more. Some of our best talks happened late at night. And we would have missed them if we'd just hollered out a 'Did you lock the door?' from our bedroom."
Be sure not to turn these post-date wrap-ups into the Spanish Inquisition, though. My wife and I would start things off with a cheery, "Hey, welcome home! We were just wanting to get a bowl of ice cream with you. Is that okay?" We tried not to stare into their eyes. We'd get that cold stuff on a spoon; right before shoveling it in, we'd ask, "How was it?"
Other after-date conversation starters might include, "You looked so great tonight when you went out. Did you feel that way, too?" "I had fun meeting your date. What was he like?" "What was the best part about tonight?"
6. Try commercial conversations. Watch a favorite TV show together and talk during the commercials. View a football game and talk during the halftime show. Watch the news and discuss the stories during the breaks. These short bursts of communication, conducted without having to sit face-to-face, may be just the thing for the really reluctant talker.