Marriage and Family Therapy Discussions
Same Sex Couples Issues & Therapy
by Sierra Sparks, MFT on 03/24/14
Same-sex couples share many commonalities with heterosexual couples. The day-to-day activities of their lives often are similar, but the social context in which they live differs greatly, largely due to the influences of the dominant heterosexual culture and traditional expectations of gender roles within a relationship.
Many same-sex pairs may experience extreme stress if every day supports are lacking in their lives—for example, familial, legal, religious, economic, and social support. Members of same-sex couples have experienced societal prejudice in different ways and have dealt with it internally in their own ways, but the effect of “minority stress,” or the effects of living with often negative social conditions, always exists to some extent. The fact that many same-sex relationships endure, and are as stable as cohabitating heterosexual unions, in spite of residing in a sometimes-hostile climate, is a testimony to the resiliency of the members involved.
Gender Roles
Still, it is important to consider other issues that play a significant role between partners, such as ethnicity, cultural background, religion, social class, education, age, and immigration status.
The similarity of biological sex and gender role conditioning allows couples to have a high level of initial rapport and to merge deeply. They know what pleases someone of their own sex and can understand, give, and respond. The loneliness of years in the closet (and possibly thinking they would never find someone to love them as they are) intensifies the emotional high of the bonding. Because initial expectations often are elevated, disillusionment is intense when initial passion naturally diminishes.
Stages Discrepancies
Generally, it takes several years after the first awareness of same-sex attractions for an individual to advance through a number of phases to fully reach a sexual minority identity. Stage discrepancies are common for many same-sex couples given that many of these pairs merge before partners have completed their own identity growth. This results in members undertaking their individual sexual orientation development while simultaneously navigating the challenges of an evolving relationship. Issues of betrayal and loyalty often occur, but rarely will couples see their difficulties in terms of stage discrepancies. These stage differences frequently result in conflict regarding the level of “openness” each partner finds acceptable in family relationships, employment, community, and friendships. Many relationships can overcome this conflict, but some are unable to do so.
As with heterosexual couples, partner differences in relationship stages are common. For example, one wants more independence or separateness and the other is holding tightly or is fearful of differences; or one begins to grow personally and the other perceives this as abandonment; or one wants more self expression (and less agreement or sameness) and the other wants to maintain harmony and avoid conflict. Conversely, some lesbians and gay men are terrified if relationships become too close, since this reminds them of the suffocating closets of their earlier lives.
How can a family or couples therapist help?
A professional mental healthcare provider will be a sensitive clinician, fully aware of the pitfalls of traditional heterosexual bias, and will treat a lesbian or gay couple in an appropriate fashion. There are no unique treatments for same-sex couples and the methods used with heterosexual couples can be used for gay and lesbian pairs. However, the importance of taking into consideration developmental and socio-cultural variables cannot be underestimated, and a well experienced therapist will be particularly sensitive to these effects.
A therapist will assess the environment of the relationship based on those factors mentioned previously: Level of each partner’s development; external issues (such as support or alienation from family, community, workplace, and friendships); presence of mental or physical illness or domestic violence; HIV concerns; stage discrepancies between members; and issues of intimacy. Gay and lesbian issues will be addressed somewhat differently, as certain life stressors may play more of a role for a male couple than a female couple, and vice versa. For example, lesbians often experience more anxiety than gay men regarding reactions of family members to their sexuality. Conversely, gay men report more stress surrounding HIV/AIDS-related issues and violence and harassment than do lesbian couples.
The therapist will address any “multiple social identities” that must be taken into consideration. For example, one of the members of the couple may be biracial or struggling to reconcile a minority sexual orientation with a religious identity, and/or the members of the couple may be quite different culturally. The complexity of diversity, whether in reference to the broader culture or within the couple relationship, may be problematic. There may be external forces that deny the couple social privilege, but also vast internal differences also may exist between members of the couple. Concerns about, or differences in, religion, ethnicity, culture, world view, health condition, disability, immigration status, age, education, socio-economic standing and need for family support are some areas for reflection.
A professional can help the couple experience, for example, their fear of closeness as “normal” or developmentally appropriate, given the degree of bias associated by society with same-sex attraction. Rather than a client assuming something is wrong internally, he or she can begin to process issues in terms of a broader perspective. Often, for reasons not of their own making, sexual minorities are disengaged (or even disowned) by their families; alienated from their churches, mosques, or synagogues; and isolated in the workplace. In this situation, closeness in a couple may be a survival mechanism, rather than our traditional concept of “closeness,” especially in small or rural communities where opportunity for support from family, workplace associates, and other couples is unavailable. A therapist can determine if this is occurring in the relationship and can help the couple correct it. <
That same-sex unions can survive and thrive in spite of numerous challenges is a testimony to their resilience and to the resolve of the members of these couples. This determination, along with a strong sense of interdependence, perspective, and external buffers, has allowed many lesbian couples in long-term relationships to succeed as a twosome. Similarly, more male couples than ever before are strengthening their commitment to each other and are enhancing their mutuality and intimacy.
This text was written by Kathleen Ritter, PhD.
Use the AAMFT Consumer Update "Therapeutic Issues for Same-Sex Couples" pamphlets to market your practice.
Search for a qualified Marriage and Family Therapist in your area using AAMFT's TherapistLocator service.
Resources
Online Resources
- Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere (COLAGE): A support and advocacy organization for children of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered parents and families.
- Family Pride: A non-profit organization committed to securing family equity for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered parents, guardians, and allies.
- Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG): A nonprofit organization with over 200,000 members and 500 affiliate chapters in the United States with headquarters in Washington, DC.
- Partners Task Force for Gay and Lesbian Couples: A resource for same-sex couples. The constantly updated Web site contains more than 400 surveys, legal articles and resources on official marriage, ceremonies, domestic partner benefits, relationship tips, parenting, and immigration.
Signs Your Teen Might be Depressed
by Sierra Sparks, MFT on 03/24/14
- Sleep disturbance. "Many adolescents sleep until noon on a Saturday, but if you notice a change in their sleep or their sleep is irregular even more than before, that's something to worry about," Dr. Duckworth explains in the video.
- Social changes. "Adolescents are typically very focused on social connections," he says. "If they're not interested in their social network and they want to quit sports, pay attention to that."
- Physical symptoms. Some teens demonstrate their emotional distress through physical symptoms, such as headaches, stomach aches, weakness and body aches.
- Substance abuse. Some depressed teens use drugs and alcohol to change how they're feeling. Abusing drugs and alcohol also increases the risk for depression or worsening depression, leading to a vicious cycle.
- Safety issues. Any time a teen expresses suicidal thoughts, it should be very taken seriously. "If your adolescent is talking about dying or wishing they were dead, that's something to attend to and to make sure that you seek professional assistance," Dr. Duckworth says.
101 Days of Marriage Improvement - Post #1
by Sierra Sparks, MFT on 02/18/14
Do the this intimacy exercise: Free associate and list sentences starting with "I wonder" on a piece of paper. (I wonder if I'll ever learn to cook. I wonder if I'll ever cook for you. I wonder if I could love you more than I do.) Take turns reading your wonders to your partner, without judging, commenting or analyzing. This may feel silly at first, but just try it and see what happens...
I am always happy to answer questions for couples about couples counseling. Call me anytime: 530-913-5054.
Falling in and out of Love
by Sierra Sparks, MFT on 01/23/14
Falling in love is easy part. Often, in the start up of new relationships. It’s the staying in love part that is difficult. The emotions involved with falling in love can make you feel like you’re on top of the world. However, that giddy, heart-skipping-a-beat sort of love doesn’t last forever. Without taking steps to acquire a mature love, you can fall out of love just as easily as you fell in love.
Falling in Love
Falling in love is a passive experience that just happens naturally. You don’t need to put in any extra energy or effort. You can just idly get swept off your feet without having to do anything.
When you’re falling in love, emotions take over. In fact, many researchers have documented that when people are falling in love, their brain chemistry actually changes. It’s even been compared to the hypomanic phase of bipolar disorder.
When you’re falling in love, you need less sleep, your appetite changes and you have more energy. Showing affection for one another comes natural. It’s easy to have patience with your new love.
Conversation is exciting and giving of your time and energy doesn’t seem to take much effort because it’s what you want to do. When you’re apart you look forward to seeing one another again.
The feelings at that intensity usually don’t sustain themselves. Most studies say couples experience this magnetic attraction for a maximum of two years. Over time, the intensity of those “in love feelings” naturally begin to fade.
Falling out of Love
As the intensity of those feelings fade, couples can fall out of love. Just as falling in love is a passive experience, falling out of love can be passive as well. Do nothing to nurture your relationship and those feelings will subside. It’s sort of the natural progression.
Over time, you’ll feel less of a need to touch one another. Communicating with one another won’t be as exciting, fresh and new. Going on dates and spending quality time together might start to grow stale.
Couples who choose to do nothing about the fact that those intense feelings have subsided will likely be disappointed with their relationship. They’ll feel disengaged and not connected. They’ll likely experience boredom and loneliness.
It can cause many people to wonder, “Did I marry the right person?” Some people become tempted to find a new love so they can experience those intense emotions again. But, it won’t last forever, even with someone new.
Other people will stay in the marriage, because it’s the right thing to do. However, they might busy themselves with friends and family or even hobbies to try and fill the void in their life that was once filled by love’s intensity. Despite their attempts to fill this void, they won’t really feel satisfied.
Couples who say, “We just sort of fell out of love,” are right. If you don’t put any effort to make sure you stay connected, you won’t have a healthy relationship. However, you don’t have to be a victim in the process.
Mature Love
Once the romantic, intense “in love” feelings subside, you have a choice to engage in a more mature love that can be even deeper and more meaningful. Mature love offers couples a true life partner. It doesn’t have to be boring or stale. Instead, it’s what you make of it because it’s based more on how you behave, rather than simply how you feel.
People who experience mature love don’t allow themselves to passively fall out of love. Instead, they take action. Choosing to take your relationship to the next level doesn’t come easy. It requires you to behave in a way that is contrary to your feelings at times. It takes hard work, dedication and commitment.
Without the intense “in love” feelings, it’s not as easy to behave lovingly. However, mature love means that you’ll give to your spouse when you don’t feel like giving. It means you can set your feelings aside to do what is best for the relationship.
People who experience mature love hug and kiss their partner regardless of whether or not it gives them butterflies in their stomach. They set aside time for the spouse even when they’ve got a hundred and one other things they could be doing. They are willing to set aside money
to go on dates and to do the things they used to do when they were first falling in love, regardless of whether or not they feel like it.
They make a conscious decision every day to behave lovingly toward their spouse. And they don’t keep score about who contributes the most to the relationship. Instead, they give willingly without becoming resentful about what they are or aren’t getting back.
People who experience mature love don’t indulge themselves in thoughts that aren’t productive to the relationship. They don’t focus on thinking about how difficult the marriage is, how their spouse isn’t the same person they married or how much better life would be if they were with someone else.
Instead, in mature love, people can think about the positive aspects of their relationship. They focus on looking at what they can do to make their spouse’s day a little better. They think about what they can contribute to the relationship.
They also stay focused on making the best of what they have. They understand that this is the person they’ve chosen in life and that the relationship will be what they make of it. They understand that grass isn’t greener on the other side and it is less about who you marry and more about how you love the person that you’re married to.
What can you do to boost your love feelings? DATE NIGHT and NEW EXPERIENCES TOGETHER.
Teen Alcohol and Drug Abuse Symptoms
by Sierra Sparks, MFT on 10/28/13Signs and Symptoms of Adolescent Drug and Alcohol Abuse Drug and alcohol abuse among adolescents is an ongoing problem that parents must always be on the lookout for. There are a vast array of reasons why troubled teens turn to drugs and alcohol to self-medicate, so underlying issues must be addressed in order to overcome the problem. There is assistance available from qualified professionals; call (866)731-7662 to learn more today. Drug and Alcohol Abuse: Effects on Adolescent Minds The adolescent years are an important time for brain development, and drug and alcohol abuse causes disruption of communication between neurotransmitters that could change the way a person's mind works for a lifetime. It is extremely important for troubled teens to receive immediate assistance when showing signs of drug and alcohol abuse. Drugs interfere with the way nerve cells normally send, receive, and process information. Because of the abnormal structure of the chemicals, drugs can mimic natural reactors in the brain which disrupts the communication system, or even cause the brain to release large amount of dopamine which can lead to imbalances. Alcohol also effects the frontal lymbic system, blunting emotional reactivity by damaging neurobiological, behavioral and psychological mechanisms. Drug and alcohol abuse is especially harmful to adolescents. Be aware for signs and symptoms like bloodshot eyes, enlarged pupils, deterioration of physical appearance, slurred speech, impaired physical functioning, and other things that denote drug and alcohol abuse. Serious problems in troubled teens need to be remedied as soon as possible to enable the possibility of a bright and successful future.