Marriage and Family Therapy Discussions

Self-Help Tip #1: Engage in Relationships that are Supportive – Reach out to close friends and/or family members. You can choose whether or not you want to tell them about your struggles with Depression and Anxiety, but either way you will benefit from the company of another person. When we are left to our own thoughts, our minds can wander and this can quickly turn into experiencing unpleasant or anxiety-ridden thoughts and emotions. Having another person around may prevent this from happening, since your mind will be distracted and preoccupied with whatever you and your companion are doing. If you have Depression, it can be difficult to even think about reaching out to someone or making time to get together with them. However, if you force yourself to do so, you will find that your Depression symptoms will lift, even just a little bit, while you are engaging in an activity with another person. It is all too easy to stay at home alone and hide from the outside world. Push yourself! And if it helps, schedule a weekly get together with this person so that you can 1) have something to look forward to, and 2) be held accountable for the allotted date and time you set aside to socialize with this person. For people with Anxiety Disorders, this weekly “scheduling” may also help alleviate some of your anxiety symptoms, particularly if your anxiety is worsened by unpredictable events. By having something planned in advance, you know what’s to come in the near future and can prepare for it, which reduces your anxiety overall.  And remember, getting together with someone can be as simple as it sounds. You do not have to go out for dinner or do anything that requires a great deal of time or money every time you meet this person. For example, you could visit your friend at his/her place, have your friend over to your place, go out for a coffee, go to a movie, or take a walk around the block together. As long as you’re getting out of bed and doing something with another person, it does not matter which activity you choose to engage in.

Self-Help Tip #2: Get a Pet – The next best thing to bonding with another human being is bonding with an animal. It really doesn’t matter which type of animal you choose to purchase or adopt, as long as you are focusing some of your attention toward your new companion. Animals have been shown to have “healing powers”, and are often used in hospital settings for terminally ill patients. Dogs especially tend to make people feel better about themselves by making them feel less isolated. Having a pet can also help you to feel needed, since pets are a big responsibility and require quite a lot of care. This means that the time and attention you would normally focus inward onto yourself will now be shared outwardly toward your pet. Please note: you should not get a pet if you are not ready for one. And by this I mean you should not bring an animal into your home if you cannot afford to take care of it – either physically or financially – and meet its many needs. Doing so would be unfair to the animal and would only end up in you having to give up the pet. Pets can be wonderful companions that help to naturally reduce your Depression and Anxiety symptoms, but only consider getting one if you are capable of meeting its needs and devoting a great deal of time and attention toward it.

Self-Help Tip #3: Keep a Journal – You may think this sounds cheesy, but keeping a diary or a journal has been shown to drastically reduce both Depression and Anxiety symptoms. For both disorders, keeping a journal or even a “Thought Record”, as it is called in Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), allows you to pinpoint your negative thought patterns as they happen. Since Depression and Anxiety Disorders often include cognitive distortions and pessimistic thinking, keeping a Thought Record every time you have a negative thought will help you to identify and examine your problematic thinking patterns, and eventually change them into more balanced or realistic thoughts. If you don’t want to go through the trouble of making an actual Thought Record, try just keeping a regular journal. Writing down what you’re feeling as you’re experiencing it is therapeutic, and can serve as an emotional outlet. It’s true that people often feel better after they’ve vented to someone about whatever is troubling them, and a journal can be that “soundboard” or “imaginary person” for you if you don’t want to speak to an actual person about your problems.

Self-Help Tip #4: Find a Hobby or Re-start One That You Used to Engage In – This is some of the best advice I can give you that is both fun and easy to practice in between counseling sessions. If you don’t already have a hobby or a pastime that you enjoy, think of things that interest you and go from there. Have you ever looked at something and thought to yourself “I’ve always wanted to try that”? Why not go back to that place and learn more about whatever hobby it was that caught your eye? Take a trip to a local hobby or craft store – you may be surprised at the variety of fun and engaging activities you find there! If you used to participate in a hobby or sport, try to force yourself to re-start it! It may be difficult initially, but once you get back into the swing of things you will start feeling better about yourself and your mood and anxiety will naturally lift. As you become more passionate about your hobby, you may also notice that your energy levels are increasing and your mind is more occupied with the task at hand rather than the negative thought patterns. Some examples of hobbies you could engage in are: painting, scrapbooking, sewing, cross-stitching, woodworking, playing a musical instrument, playing a sport, exercising, or hiking.

Self-Help Tip #5: Create a “Mental Health Kit” – While this may sound silly at first, it has actually proven to be helpful to persons struggling with Depression and Anxiety Disorders. First, make a list of healthy activities you can engage in that typically enhance your mood. To help with constructing this list, try to think of activities you’ve engaged in before that have noticeably improved your mood. The items from this list will then become components of your “Mental Health Kit”. These “tools” in your kit serve as things to do when you become extremely depressed or anxious. For instance, your kit could include items like your favorite book, your journal, a few favorite movies, some favorite photos, crossword puzzles, word searches, bubble bath supplies, favorite CDs, old letters or cards from special people, etc. The point of the “Mental Health Kit” is to get your mind off your negative thoughts and get you into a better mood by doing something that makes you feel good about yourself.

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Recognize resentment for what it is.

A first step to reversing the damage resentment causes to you and your marriage is to acknowledge that that's how you feel. Recognize resentment for what it is-- this is slightly different for everyone.

Recognize what's at the bottom of your resentment, but do not use this inner inquiry as an excuse to solidify your anger toward your partner.

This isn't about you re-affirming to yourself how wrong your spouse was to say or do ____, for example.

Your partner may have made a big mistake that hurt you, but continuing to rehash what was happened
won't help you have the kind of marriage you want.

If you are to move past this resentment, you need to acknowledge your feelings without getting further stuck in events of the past.

Resolve what needs to be resolved.

After you take even a little bit of time to get to know your resentment, you can look for issues that may be unresolved between you and your partner that are fueling your bitter feelings.

Have you and your mate "agreed to disagree" about something but that's just not working for you?

Perhaps there is an arrangement that you two made about home chores, finances, child care, sex or some
other issue and that arrangement is not okay with you after all.

Maybe you and your partner had an argument long ago and you just haven't been able to fully let go of hurtful words that were said.

It could be that your spouse had an affair or lied to you in the past and, even though he or she has changed, you are having a difficult time moving on from that betrayal.

It might not make logical sense to you or it might be crystal clear, what's most important is for you to understand what specific things in your relationship (past or present) need to be addressed and, hopefully, resolved.

There's no guarantee that you and your spouse will be able to easily find a solution that you both will be happier with, but try anyway.

Sometimes, the act of communicating with one another about the issue can bring some ease to each of you.

You can actually move close together even if you don't find the "perfect answer" to the challenge facing you if you both stay open and honest.

Let it go.

If you truly want to nurture connection and spark intimacy in your marriage, letting go of resentment is absolutely going to have to happen.

We know, it's not often as simple as "just let it go," but that's what we're suggesting you do.

By all means, get clearer about what your resentment is about and how it manifests for you. And, most definitely, try to come to some resolution with your mate about the issue that's at the root of your resentment.

Ultimately, however, it's up to you to make the choice to stop carrying around the anger and bitterness.

It's your decision to forgive your partner and yourself and to begin to move forward to the kind of future and intimacy you desire.

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Every couple argues. Some of them do it overtly by yelling at each other while others do it covertly by avoiding contact and conversation. Whatever the method, the result is the same - hurt feelings and disenchantment. Here are my tips to help you argue constructively. If done correctly arguing can be a pathway to growth and problem solving.

1. Understand that anger itself is not destructive. There is a vast difference between anger and rage. When someone is angry they need to state their feelings, they don't break things or relationships - that is ragefull behavior.
2. Talk about your feelings before you get angry. When you or your partner can approach the situation as it happens and deal with it in a safe way, it may not get to the point of being an argument. Sometimes things just need to be verbalized and most arguments can be avoided if your partner understands how you feel.
3. Don't raise your voice. It's amazing how issues of hurt feelings or differences can be resolved with a whisper. I counsel couples who are yellers to only communicate with a whisper and it greatly reduces the anger factor in their relationships.
4. Don't threaten your relationship. And don't take every argument as a threat to your relationship. This type of emotional blackmail puts the other partner in a panic/flight or flight mode. While you're telling them you want to leave, they may be making plans to find a roommate. In addition, they may be so devastated by the thought of losing their family they can go into a deep depression and be unable to give you what it is you need.
5. Don't stockpile. This is where you bring up issues from the past to use as a hammer against whatever problem your partner has asked for help with. Deal with their issue first and if you really have unresolved feelings from past problems talk about them at another time.
6. Don't avoid your anger. If you stuff your feelings long enough you will explode and say or do things that you will regret. Anger does not diminish love, you can be angry with those you love. In fact the ones we love hurt us the most because we love them the most.
7. Create a process for resolving problems without anger. Start by each of you taking five minutes to state your feelings, then take a twenty minute break to think about things and come back to the table for another ten minutes to discuss how you think you can best deal with the problem. Also, know that it's okay if the problem doesn't get solved right away.
8. Abuse is NEVER allowed. This includes verbal abuse, any type of violence including slamming doors, breaking plates or hitting. If your arguments escalate to this level you need to leave the house. If one partner ever hits another a police report needs to be made and an appointment with a therapist is mandatory.
9. Don't engage. Remember that negative attention is still attention. If your partner tries to goad you into an argument, simply don't go there. Some people actually like to argue because it gives them a temporary feeling of power and gratification. Avoid being sucked into their need for attention.
10. Listen to your body. When you are angry your body releases chemicals that may cause you to react in ways that can be destructive to you, your partner and your relationship. Learn to understand your feelings and how the process of anger effects you physically and emotionally.

Research has shown that couples who argue more than twenty percent of the time are probably not going to survive. Hopefully these tips will help you get your arguments under control and reduce the level of energy in those arguments. If not, consider seeking a couples therapist.

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Teens do not like to argue. Does this statement surprise you? It might if you are currently parenting an adolescent. However, in my experience it is true. Arguing frustrates teens and frustrates parents. It is easy to get into arguments because teenagers are asserting their independence, but are not old enough yet to have full independence.

Here is some advice:

Say Nothing – Yes, sometimes it is that simple. Your teen may be in a bad mood, and pick a fight to unload it all on you. On the other hand, he or she may be really troubled with something.    

Respect – Model respectful conversations by not interrupting your teenager, and do not allow your teen to interrupt you while you are speaking.

Don’t take anything personal – Your teen may be upset about something, and focus instead on blaming you.

Use Eloquence – Realize that your teenager is struggling with expressing what’s really bothering them, and try to help them along by asking relevant questions. Confirm – Reiterate what you think they said in a tone that says “I care about you and what you think and feel, please help me understand you.”

Stay Focused – You may hear something you don’t like to hear. Consider that your teenager is an individual, and is forming their own ideas, values, and opinions. Allow your teen to have a different point of view than your own, and don’t try to ‘win’ as if it were a debate.

Be Patient – Your teen may want to tell you something, and it may take a while for them to actually tell you the whole story. If you start to ask too many questions too soon, they may get confused and start to argue.  

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What the heck is that?! I have heard this so many times from my unsuspecting clients who come in for more passion in their relationships, more intimacy, attraction, treatment of impotence, fear and anxieties around sex and more.

The secret? Sensate Focusing

And here is the "How To"

In the first stage, the couple may touch each other's bodies excluding breasts and genitals. My couples are encouraged to enjoy and become increasingly aware of the texture and other qualities of their partner's skin. Intercourse is disallowed! Any focus on the genitals is not allowed. Participants concentrate on what they themselves find interesting in the skin of the other, not on what they think the other may enjoy.

In the second stage I coach couples to increase the touch options to include breasts. Sensation and gathering information about the partner's body is still encouraged and intercourse and touching of the genitals is still forbidden. The participants then use a technique of placing their hand over their partner's hand in order to show what they find pleasurable in terms of pace and pressure. Learning about the partner's body is still the goal rather than pleasure.

Further stages include the gradual introduction of genitals and then full intercourse. Orgasm is never the focus. In fact, I generally discourage this to EVER be a focus.

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