Marriage and Family Therapy Discussions

In my line of work, I see all types of people.

My job as a therapist involves looking at each person, family or couple as an individual.

The people that I see often have misconceptions about what therapy really is...

Some people know that it is going to be hard work, while others... well, they want me to wave a magic wand and sadly, that was not part of my diploma.

Here are some common misconceptions about therapy:

1. All therapists are the same: Not true! Unlike certain clothing items that are "one size fits all," therapy is not! Picking the therapist that is right for you is very important, and no decision should be made in haste. One size does not fit all. With therapy you have to shop and research. Do you homework and interview (this is the most important because relationship has shown to be the most effective "change" predictor) . You will know when it’s right after you have done your part.

2. Asking your therapist to lie for you: Really …?  This is not only bad for your relationship, but it's not ethical. 

3. Expecting the therapist to take a side: Not gonna happen. No matter how much you feel like your side is right (even when it most likely it is) my job as a therapist is not to take sides. 

4. The therapist will make everything better: Negative!  YOU are the one who needs to put in the "hard" work to make changes. We can only help as a guide.

5. Expecting the therapist to keep a secret: Secrets keep relationships apart and if it is a big secret, then to expect your therapist to keep set that information aside and try to work on your relationship (when they know exactly what issue needs to change) is unrealistic. If you are doing something that requires you to have it a “secret,” then open your eyes and take a peek at just that! On that same note, ask the counselor about their no-secrets policy (therapists have one or the other). If you don’t want your partner to know something, don’t share it with your therapist.

6. Keeping important information from the therapist: If you don’t tell the therapist significant events, then the therapist doesn’t have the whole picture of the relationship. Don’t keep affairs, physical fights, or any other important events hidden. 

7. The fights have slowed down, so we can stop early: Just because the fights have stopped for now or “things are getting better,” doesn’t mean to stop counseling. Many people stop prematurely and then things go back to the old way. Just because the fights have stopped, doesn’t mean you have a long-term change. If you think you hit the goals in therapy, speak with your therapist and make sure all the work is done.

Your relionship and peace of mind is more important than money, ego or much else... Please don't take it lightly.

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1) Increased Secrecy

2) Distance, Both Emotional And Physical

3) Increased Attention To Appearance

4) Caught Lying About Their Whereabouts

5) History Of Past Affairs

6.) Talking about someone a lot
(this is a big one - often people have the need to tell on themselves through subtle hints)

If you feel your partner might be having an affiar, it's not too late to seek marriage therapy. Counseling can provide a safe place to work through issues that lead to affairs and help to re-build health happy marriages.

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Sexual dysfunction disorders are generally classified into four categories: sexual desire disorders, sexual arousal disorders, orgasm disorders, and sexual pain disorders.

Sexual desire disorders (decreased libido) may be caused by a decrease in the normal production of estrogen (in women) or testosterone (in both men and women). Other causes may be aging, fatigue, pregnancy, and medications -- the SSRI antidepressants which include fluoxetine (Prozac), sertraline (Zoloft), and paroxetine (Paxil) are well known for reducing desire in both men and women. Psychiatric conditions, such as depression and anxiety, can also cause decreased libido.

Sexual arousal disorders were previously known as frigidity in women and impotence in men. These have now been replaced with less judgmental terms. Impotence is now known as erectile dysfunction, and frigidity is now described as any of several specific problems with desire, arousal, or anxiety.

For both men and women, these conditions may appear as an aversion to, and avoidance of, sexual contact with a partner. In men, there may be partial or complete failure to attain or maintain an erection, or a lack of sexual excitement and pleasure in sexual activity.

There may be medical causes for these disorders, such as decreased blood flow or lack of vaginal lubrication. Chronic disease may also contribute to these difficulties, as well as the nature of the relationship between partners. As the success of Viagra attests, many erectile disorders in men may be primarily physical, not psychological conditions.

Orgasm disorders are a persistent delay or absence of orgasm following a normal sexual excitement phase. The disorder occurs in both women and men. Again, the SSRI antidepressants are frequent culprits -- these may delay the achievement of orgasm or eliminate it entirely.

Sexual pain disorders affect women almost exclusively, and are known as dyspareunia (painful intercourse) and vaginismus (an involuntary spasm of the muscles of the vaginal wall, which interferes with intercourse). Dyspareunia may be caused by insufficient lubrication (vaginal dryness) in women. There may also be abnormalities in the pelvis or the ovaries that can cause pain with intercourse. Vulvar pain disorders can also cause dyspareunia and inability to have intercourse due to pain.

Poor lubrication may result from insufficient excitement and stimulation, or from hormonal changes caused by menopause or breast-feeding. Irritation from contraceptive creams and foams may also cause dryness, as can fear and anxiety about sex.

It is unclear exactly what causes vaginismus, but it is thought that past sexual trauma such as rape or abuse may play a role. Another female sexual pain disorder is called vulvodynia or vulvar vestibulitis. In this condition, women experience burning pain during sex which may be related to problems with the skin in the vulvar and vaginal areas. The cause is unknown.

Sexual dysfunctions are most common in the early adult years, with the majority of people seeking care for such conditions during their late 20s through 30s. The incidence increases again in the perimenopause and postmenopause years in women, and in the geriatric population, typically with gradual onset of symptoms that are associated most commonly with medical causes of sexual dysfunction.

Sexual dysfunction is more common in people who abuse alcohol and drugs. It is also more likely in people suffering from diabetes and degenerative neurological disorders. Ongoing psychological problems, difficulty maintaining relationships, or chronic disharmony with the current sexual partner may also interfere with sexual function.

PREVENTION

Open, informative, and accurate communication regarding sexual issues and body image between parents and their children may prevent children from developing anxiety or guilt about sex, and may help them develop healthy sexual relationships.

This can be such a difficult topic to talk about because of shame. However, it is so very important to contact a therapist and begin your journey to more passion and desire in your relationship. No matter how bad you think it is, I guarantee there are options to make both partners happy.

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First of all, let me start by saying that I am not the type of therapist who would ever lightly suggest that any couple get a seperation. Why? Not because I am against it in any way, but I truly believe that in our culture today, people just give up rather than fighting to make it work or better yet, improve it and re-create the passion!

A new study suggests that marriage is good for your heart.

Researchers at Emory and Rutger's universities, discovered married people who have undergone heart surgery are three times more likely to survive the next three months, compared to single patients.

The study, in the Journal of Health and Human Behavior, followed more than 500 married and single patients who were undergoing emergency or elective coronary bypass surgery. According to lead researcher Ellen Idler, married patients had a more positive outlook going into the surgery.

"When asked whether they would be able to manage the pain and discomfort, or their worries about the surgery, those who had spouses were more likely to say, yes."

This isn't the first time that research has found that marriage can be good for your health. For years, studies have shown that married people are less likely to get the flu, or die from cancer. A 2009 study found that those who are married or partnered in middle age are about 50 percent less likely to develop dementia than those who live alone.

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Let's face it, life is hard! I get asked often in therapy sessions about what my clients can do to help their depression. My asnwer is always the same. I call it, "Fake it 'til you make it." What I mean by that is that as humans we tend to want to feel the emotion before we do the action. For example, we want to feel confident before we go out and speak in public. But! - - more often you need to "pretend" you feel great (action) before you actually do (emotion). It's called a "corrective experience." Have you ever felt afraid to talk to someone, but forced yourself to and then felt so much more confident? That's what I'm talking about. So, for depression, let the action come before the emotion. Action ideas: exercise, laugh, get OUT of the house, go see a movie, hobbies, friends.... You get my point, right? Now, think about what that might do for you out there unhappy in your marriages.... hmmmm.....

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