Marriage and Family Therapy Discussions

Before I start this part of the blog please remeber one thing: you are a work in progress, so is your family and so is your child. Stop blaming yourself for your child's negative behaviors. Ask yourself: do you love and care for your child? Yes? Ok, good then you are 95% there....

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1. Volunteer Together

2. Eat together and go on date nights

3. Sweat together.

4. Make sexy a priority! Or passion and connecting time. 

5. Stop squabbling and pick your battles

6. Strive for emotional honesty and talk about how you feel. Don't hold grudges. 

7. Stop with technology! Put Facebook away and connect without electronics!!

8. Listen. No really... take a minute to mindfully listen to your partner. 

9. Criticize less and have fun more. 

10. Break a habit together.

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• First question was if there is a stressor. There are kids that are by nature anxious, moody or inattentive. You may already have him in treatment for ADHD or another diagnosis. Was there a family crisis like a divorce?. Anxious kids can become more anxious, depressed kids more depressed and so on. A good therapist will be able to assess what is going on.
• Secondly, does your child show evidence of significant moodiness, extreme anxiety, severe depression, etc? Watch your child's daily routine - are they sleeping later than usual, staying in their room, wetting the bed? Or is she so anxious that she can't fall asleep or get her homework done because she is worrying all the time. Be on the lookout for flights of manic energy, sleeplessness and grandiosity. In these instances, you might be up against a bigger problem than mere teenage moodiness. 

• The third question concerns the degree of dysfunction - how bad has it gotten? Psychological problems, whether they are mood or anxiety disorders, attention deficit or other issues, are defined not just by the symptoms but also by how the problem actually impacts basic functionality. If you notice that your son is acting depressed, but he's far from suicidal, he does well in school, he has good friends and an active social life, and he generally gives off an attitude of contentment, you are most likely dealing with normal teenage angst. If your daughter is anxious and complains about the divorce(link is external) or your parenting, but lives life well, she is probably okay. Complaining is not a psychiatric diagnosis. If, on the other hand, your son protests constantly that he's "fine", but you clearly witness that he's having trouble getting out of bed in the morning, his friends are no longer calling, and he's lost interest in what used to give him pleasure, this well may be an actual depression. And some kids become "very good" in divorce, like super kids because they are so anxious. Be aware that your child may be so worried about her situation that she will do anything not to rock the boat. This can be a cause for concern.

• The fourth question is about drugs and alcohol. Is my child self medicating? The typical adolescent in America has access to alcohol and many kinds of drugs. He may claim that marijuana "cuts the edge off" or that drinking lets her bond with her friends. Or, it may all be in secret and behind your back. Be careful. I have seen too many casualties from chemically dependent teens, including poor grades, depression and even fatal car accidents. Twenty five years of practice has made me very sober about alcohol and drugs. If your child is using significantly, normal treatments won't touch the core problem.

• The fifth question is hard to answer for yourself because you as a parent are in the thick of it: how badly are we - as parents - hurting our children because of our inattention, anger, self preoccupation, moodiness or the way we pull them into the middle of our conflict? When this fifth question is answered strongly in the affirmative, you will almost certainly need outside help. In cases like this, it is ashame to medicate a kid when he or she is overwhelmed by realistic pressures from home. Therapy and/or medication takes a back seat to the divorcing parents working on getting their act together and if this can't happen because the acrimony is too intense, then just know that meds and therapy may work, but it is a sad second choice.

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Passion is energizing and inspiring, a great big wonderful “YES!” that fills life with a sense of greatness and purpose. When you have passion, life is fun and juicy.

In relationship, passion is a deeply affirmative force. When there’s passion--for one another, for spending time together, for making love--you feel loved, accepted,cherished and desired. You feel on top of the world and you love it!

Every relationship has a honeymoon phase that’s filled with passion. You’re absolutely crazy about each other. You can’t get enough of one another. You gaze into each others eyes as you plan romantic dates and getaways. The relationship is fun, exciting, full of magic and . . . hot!

The months and years go by, though, and the delight and deliciousness fades into the background of everyday life.

“The thrill is gone.”
“There’s just no spark anymore.”
“We’re stuck in a rut.”

In the Rejuvenate Your Love Life seminars and coaching programs, couples learn techniques and practices to rekindle and sustain their passion for a lifetime. Those who go through the programs find that lovemaking becomes more fulfilling than ever before.
Sound good?

Here’s a head start for you: If you and your partner are making any of these 3 critical mistakes, passion doesn’t stand a chance.

Evaluation Quiz:

1. Has life become so busy and demanding that there is no time or energy for lovemaking?

2. Are the male/female differences that once drew you together now driving you crazy?

3. Do you judge your partner (and/or yourself) too often?

If you answered even one “yes,” read on.

MISTAKE #1: Don’t Have Time/Energy for Love

A strong, fulfilling love relationship is one life’s most precious gifts. It reduces stress, keeps you healthy, lifts your spirits, energizes and boosts confidence. It creates a happy, harmonious atmosphere at home for your children as well.

We all want that, right? But often in the race to keep up with daily life, intimacy with our mate falls to the bottom of our to-do list. Something to enjoy when we can squeeze in the time, and rally the energy.

“Yawn. . . I'm too tired for sex. And it's not just me. My partner is as wiped out as I am much of the time.”

“Eek! no time. My husband and I are like two ships passing in the night -- every night. We want to get together, but we can't figure out how.”

Sound familiar?

A relationship is like a beautiful garden. It needs love and attention to continue to grow and flourish. Without regular, nurturing attention, weeds (aka, resentments) creep in, and love becomes a sad memory of what it once was.

TIP #1: Invest in Your Relationship

You invest in your retirement portfolio. You invest in your home. Why wouldn’t you invest in your most valuable asset—your love life? It’s easy. Schedule regular love-investment activities.

Life is so busy we need to schedule important events in our day planners to make sure we remember to show up. Lovemaking isn’t any different. Keep a standing date forintimacy. Write it down. Maybe every Friday night, or Saturday morning while the kids are at soccer practice. And keep going on fun dates, too. If they’re gone from your life, the chemistry and excitement you knew in the early days will disappear, too.

Great lovemaking is about feeling connected to your partner, outside the bedroom as well as in. Find those moments when you can be lovingly present together, no matter how briefly. Consider creating “magic moments”—in the morning when you first wake up, before you head out for the day, when you arrive home, before going to bed. Make it a ritual you both look forward to. Look into each others eyes as you say “I love you.” Leave a surprise note in your partner’s briefcase or handbag. Send a flirtatious email, or a naughty text message. Greet your partner with a hug that lasts long enough to slow down and really feel each others presence. Whatever feels right—just don’t let a day go by without recognizing the gift that you are in each others life.

MISTAKE #2: Not Appreciating the Differences Between the Sexes

The sexual polarity between you and your mate is the attractive force that originally brought you together. And that same polarity later drives couples crazy, and drives them apart. He wants sex; she wants to cuddle. She wants pillow talk; he wants some ZZZs.

Have you seen the cartoon that shows a husband and wife each holding up a protest sign? His sign reads: “No Sex, No Love.” Hers: “No Love, No Sex.”

For women, sexual desire does not begin with a desire for sex. Rather, it evolves out of an experience of emotional closeness and intimacy. For men, typically, the reverse is true. Desire begins with a craving for sex and then evolves into greater depth of emotional intimacy. These two different sexual tracks are responsible for much of the relationship tension, sexual frustration, and lack of fulfillment that couples experience.

TIP #2: Learn to Understand and Appreciate Masculine and Feminine
Differences

The differences between the sexes remain a source of conflict only when those differences are misunderstood or unappreciated.

Ultimately, men and women want the same things—to feel loved, safe, desired, fulfilled, and totally turned on! What men and women need to feel that way can be very different.One of the biggest mistakes in bed is giving to your partner what you might want yourself. Often, that is the opposite of what will work.

When a man knows that touching his woman’s heart is the key to igniting her passion,and sees the positive results of his actions, he will be much more likely to find the pleasure in surprising her with flowers, or asking how her day went--and really listening. Conversely, when a woman realizes that the path to her man’s heart is through his loins, she is more likely to delight in treating him to sexy play that she initiates.

Understanding and appreciating how sex is different for men and women goes a long way towards building relationship harmony and inspiring passionate desire!

But remember, each man and each woman is an individual. There is no “normal” and no “usual.” You have to discover the specific way to touch your partner’s heart.

MISTAKE #3: Judging and Criticizing

It’s human nature to evaluate, compare, contrast, judge and criticize. We all do it all the time.

“Why can’t you remember to leave the toilet seat down?”
“You used to get dressed up for me.”
“Can’t you just hold me without always wanting sex?”

Judgment is often so automatic that we’re often not even aware of it. It can show up as criticism, conflict, resentment, anger, bitterness, self-doubt, comparison, shame, guilt,depression and dissatisfaction. And these feelings can become chronic.

Judgment is negation. It is the opposite of love, which is acceptance. In intimate relationship, the “NO” of judgment undermines our ability to tap into the “YES” of love and passion. They literally cancel each other out.

What can we do?

TIP #3: Acknowledge and Appreciate

While nothing kills passion faster than judgment and criticism, nothing builds passion faster than acknowledgment and appreciation.

“I love it when you rub my shoulders.”
“Your laughter is one of my favorite sounds in the world.”
“It was really great that you cooked dinner tonight. Thank you.”

Become mindful of any tendencies to judge and criticize, and refocus your attention to something you appreciate about your partner. Find opportunities to offer heartfelt compliments. Look for even simple opportunities to express appreciation.

“Thanks for holding the door for me.”

Scientists at the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle, Washington discovered a mathematical model that predicts with 94% accuracy which marriages will end indivorce. They found that happy couples have at least a 5:1 ratio between positive
interactions and negative interactions. For every one criticism or negative comment, there were at least five compliments. That’s the magic ratio. With 5 to 1 odds, passion
wins.

THE 3 KEYS:

1) Invest in your relationship by going on dates and expressing love in small but conscious ways each and every day.

2) Learn what your partner needs to feel fulfilled, especially the things that you wouldn’t normally do instinctively. Give that to each other and watch your passion rise.

3) Keep in mind the 5:1 ratio--at least 5 positive interactions to every negative one.

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Behavioral Therapy Beats Drugs as First-Line Treatment for ADHD: Researchers

Behavioral therapy should be used before medication in treating children with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), according to new research.

One paper found that children's ADHD problems improve faster when their first therapy is behavioral -- such as being taught basic social skills -- rather than medication, The New York Times reported.

Another paper said using behavioral therapy first is less expensive over time.

Medications were most effective when used as supplemental, second-line treatment for children with ADHD who required the drugs. In many cases, the drugs were effective at doses lower than normally prescribed, according to the findings in the Journal of Child & Adolescent Psychology.

If the effectiveness of the behavior therapy-first approach is confirmed in larger studies, experts say it could change standard medical practice for children with ADHD, which currently favors medications as first-line treatments.

"We showed that the sequence in which you give treatments makes a big difference in outcomes," study co-leader William Pelham Florida International University, told The Times.

"The children who started with behavioral modification were doing significantly better than those who began with medication by the end, no matter what treatment combination they ended up with," he said.

However, some experts noted that the researchers focused on behavior and not on other issues, such as attention and learning problems, that can quickly improve with drug treatment.

"I think this is a very important study, and the take-home is that low-cost behavioral treatment is very effective, but the irony is that that option is seldom available to parents," Mark Stein, a professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the University of Washington, told The Times.

If you feel that your child needs counseling please feel free to contact me: (530)913-5054 - serving Grass Valley, Ca

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