Marriage and Family Therapy Discussions

1. Pitfall: Not knowing the rules.

Constructive communication has various principles, some of which you or your partner might not know naturally. Or you might have different expectations and totally different communication styles.

For instance, your childhood has a lot to do with how you communicate. “If you grew up in a family where discussion meant debate, you’ll talk very differently than if you grew up in a family where discussion meant sharing perspectives and building new ideas together,” Heitler says.

Also, some people don’t realize that when they’re communicating, they might be doing something that’s hurtful to their partner. Hurtful behaviors include interpreting, criticism and name-calling, Heitler says.

Interpreting can look like this, according to Heitler: While the wife is washing the dishes and the husband is sitting on the couch reading a book, she assumes that he thinks dishes are a woman’s job and that there’s no way that he’d join her let alone be willing to take dishes on as his responsibility. “Her interpretation blocks her from asking to find out how in fact he would feel about shifting their after-dinner routines,” Heitler says.

When it comes to criticism, a wife who feels she’s not being listened to might say, “When I had problems with my co-workers, you blew me off.” Criticism can easily lead to name-calling, Heitler says. The spouse might—in her mind or out loud—call her husband selfish. Such conversations can then escalate into a blowout.

Pointer: Instead of interpreting, ask your partner, “How come you’re reading while I’m washing the dishes?” Heitler says. The answer might be as simple as the husband getting so engrossed in the book that he didn’t even know that she was doing the dishes.

Instead of criticizing your partner, discuss your concerns. If you feel like your partner isn’t listening to you, ask about their reaction. “What did you think about what I said?” If they say that they’d rather not talk about it, you can inquire why.

You can learn more about construction communication here.

2. Pitfall: Aiming for compromise.

You might be surprised to learn that looking for compromise is a pitfall, but compromise produces two losers. As Heitler says, compromise is a “lose-lose solution” for the couple that “leaves both partners feeling compromised.” A win-win solution, by contrast, occurs when her-way meets his-way and creates an our-way, she says.

Pointer: The key is to talk about the specifics of your and your partner’s underlying concerns, and be responsive to them. When you understand both partners’ concerns, the two of you can brainstorm specific solutions. This approach works best when couples take potentially overwhelming issues and break them down into smaller concrete concerns that can be addressed one at a time.

For instance, Heitler worked with a married couple who had disagreements about having kids. He loved his high-intensity job as a trial attorney, for which he worked late nights almost every weekday. She wanted to have a big family, which she said she couldn’t handle on her own.

A compromise would’ve meant her saying that they can have two kids and him saying that he’ll get home at six, Heitler says. However, for both partners, this would’ve been a raw deal.

But when they discussed their underlying concerns, they came up with a win-win solution. To help with the children, they decided to hire nannies, one of whom could stay in the evenings. “Her concern was more about handling children and less about how much time they spent as a couple,” Heitler says. But she did have some concern about spending time together. The couple decided that once a month, they’d go on a weekend getaway. Over time, the husband didn’t want to miss out on family time, so he ended up cutting his hours anyway.

3. Pitfall: Playing pin the tail on the donkey.

After an upsetting situation, you might think that the goal of looking back at what happened it is to figure out who’s at fault. If you’re using the words “you should have,” that’s a giveaway that you’re playing the blame game, Heitler says.

Pointer: Look back at your own behavior and ask yourself what you can do differently in the future. As Heitler says, “it’s not your job to decide what your partner should do differently but to decide what you could do differently.”

Heitler says that signs that you’re learning are when you say things like “Next time, I think I will” or “Next time I think I could.” Consider starting with these words when brainstorming your own future actions.

4. Pitfall: Letting escalating emotions take over.

“The hotter you get, the more likely it is that you’ll race full speed ahead down the criticism and blame road. To stay on the road to mutual understanding and solution-building, avoid overheating,” Heitler says. Excessive emotions can derail a conversation and turn it into a full-blown fight.

Pointer: When you’re frustrated, angry or upset, it’s best to pause the conversation. “Give yourself some time, and even a brief walk into a separate physical space, to calm down,” Heitler says.

If you can’t seem to de-escalate your emotions, then table the talk for another day. Make an agreement with your partner that when the conversation starts to heat up, you’ll stop.

5. Pitfall: Thinking that marriage is like walking — anyone can do it.

This is similar to thinking that you’re a good listener just because you can hear. We know that listening requires certain skills. (See here for tips.)

Heitler says that marriage is more akin to being a professional athlete. It “takes learning complex skills and lots of practice” to make marriage successful, she says.

Pointer: There are tons of marriage and relationship education resources available. For instance, Heitler co-created an online program called Power of Two, which teaches couples a variety of skills, including how to communicate effectively when you have differences, to build healthy and happy relationships. Other resources you can turn to include books, CDs, weekend workshops and therapists.

Feel like you need couples counseling. I work in the Grass Valley, Ca and Nevada City, Ca area. (530)913-5054

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Thanks to https://www.jordangrayconsulting.com/2014/11/6-connection-exercises-for-couples-to-build-intimacy/

1. Soul Gazing

This one is definitely not for the faint of heart if you’re just beginning (beginners should try #3, or 6).

To engage in soul gazing, face each other in a seated position with your knees close to touching and hold eye contact for 3-5 minutes. Yes, you are allowed to blink. Yes, it may feel slightly awkward for the first 1-2 minutes if you’ve never tried this before. And yes, you should avoid talking during the exercise. If the quiet is too uncomfortable for you, choose a 4-5 minute song and commit to holding the eye contact for the duration of the song.

In a world that is increasingly trying to grab our attention and distract us, this connection exercise is sure to efficiently re-spark the home fires. Doing this a few times per week will give you that slowed down connection you and your partner are looking for.

2. Extended Cuddle Time

So simple, yet so often ignored.

What is your bedtime routine? Do you distract yourselves with cell phones, laptops, or books? Do you rationalize that using those things helps you get to sleep? Well, the happy chemicals that get released in your brain from cuddling and/or sex help you get to sleep even easier.

Whether it’s close to your collective bedtime or not, having an extended cuddle session a few times per week does wonders for your intimate relationship.

A few of my clients cuddle to a certain music playlist that they know is a specific length of time (often 20-30 minutes) as their daily required minimum of physical affection. But that’s what works for them.

What would you like to see change in your bedtime routine? Think about it, talk to your partner about it, and then incorporate it into your lives as a non-negotiable connection habit.

3. The 7 Breath Forehead Connection Exercise

This one sounds slightly woo-woo, new-agey… but trust me… IT. IS. AWESOME!

Whether you’re lying on your sides or sitting upright, face each other directly and gently touch your foreheads together. Put your chins down slightly so your noses aren’t quite touching (it’s okay if they touch a bit but touching noses is not necessary for this exercise).

With your foreheads touching, breathe seven deep, slow breaths in sync with your partner. Similar to the eye contact exercise the first one or two breaths might feel like they’re taking up a lot of conscious thought, but by the third or fourth breath it will feel like a very natural thing to do.

This exercise isn’t limited to seven breaths (you can keep going for several minutes if you’d like) but I find that seven breaths is the perfect minimum number of breaths for couples to really drop in to the moment and feel connected. If you and your partner are overachievers who like extra homework you can absolutely do this exercise for several minutes if you feel so inclined.

4. Uninterrupted Listening

This is the first verbal exercise on the list, and for good reason. I think that in order to drop into our connection with our partner it’s beneficial to start with some non-verbal exercises. Exercises 4, 5, and 6 are verbal, and I would strongly recommend doing one or two of the aforementioned non-verbal exercises first before you start in with your words.

For this exercise, set a timer and let your partner say whatever they need to in order to vent to you. They can talk about their day, their career, how they feel about you, what’s been on their mind lately… whatever they feel like. During their verbal brain dump, it is the receiver’s job to simply listen. The receiver doesn’t offer any advice or verbal feedback in any way. You just imagine your partner’s words as a flowing stream of emotion, and you soak it up. You are free to give non-verbal listening cues with your eyes or body language. But the exercise as the receiver is to simply listen to whatever the speaker has to say. Once the timer has gone off, the roles switch and the other partner has their turn to speak in an uninterrupted stream of consciousness.

One partner might be more verbal than the other, and that’s just fine. Often the partner who is quieter or in their head more of the time will welcome the chance to verbalize their thoughts without interruption because they might feel more frequently interrupted in their daily life (whether by their partner, friends, or co-workers, etc.)

5. The Weekly CEO Meeting

Do you and your partner have fairly busy lives?

A lot of communication errors can occur through the course of a week (unfinished arguments, unmet expectations, unheard desires).

Think of the weekly CEO meeting as a way to take out all of your unfinished business and hold it up to the light.

For this exercise, schedule a non-negotiable 30-minute connection block where you and your partner remove all distractions from your environment (phones, computers, children, etc.) and have a conversation like the intentional grownups you both are.

You can start with questions like “How do you feel about us today?”, “Is there anything you feel incomplete about from this past week that you would like to talk about?”, or “How can I make you feel more loved in the coming days?”

Or, full a full list of questions to help you go deep in your intimate relationship, you cancheck out this article here.

6. 5 Things… Go!

This is a personal favourite of mine because it’s quick, simple, and can be done anywhere.

Whenever you or your partner calls out your unique codeword or theme, you both go through “5 things” within a certain topic. Some common examples would be 5 things that you’re grateful about in your life, 5 things you love about your partner, or 5 things that you would love to do with your partner within the next few weeks.

You can either take turns counting out your five (1, 2, 3, 4, 5 – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5), or you can take alternating turns each round (1, 1, 2, 2, 3, 3, 4, 4, 5, 5)

The versatility and playfulness of this exercise make it a total winner in my books. Get creative. The exercise and the numerous lists that you sound off are only limited by your imagination.

(Want more examples of themes? 5 things that would go into your perfect day. 5 things that inspire you about your partner. 5 things that you love that your partner has done for you lately. 5 things your partner has ever said that had a huge impact on you.)

Can You Inject Connection Into An Existing Relationship?

When I first suggest to some of my clients that they intentionally set aside time in their calendars to connect as a couple, I am sometimes met with resistance.

“We’re dating/we got married for a reason… shouldn’t we just feel connected automatically like we used to when we first started dating?”

While it’s a romantic concept that your relationship should fully run on autopilot, relationships thrive when you put effort into them. And yes, I’m sure you can get by just fine without doing any of the above exercises and have a ‘good’ relationship… but if you want a great relationship I’d recommend giving a few of the above exercises a try. Worst case scenario, you lose a few seconds or a few minutes of your life on an exercise that didn’t do all that much for you. Best case scenario, you discover one of your new favorite things to do with your partner and it becomes an effortless and easy way to re-connect as a couple whenever you feel you may need it.

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Are you parenting a challenging child? One thing that can help is changing your perspective. Many times difficult children are negative attention seeking. This means that they are attempting to get you attention however they can, even if it means they are getting you upset. If you change how you think about the situation, you will react less. If you react less, you feed the negative attention seeking less. This does not mean "giving in" or not consequencing. It is all about where you give the majority of your energy. 

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Q:  Should I use my health insurance to pay for therapy?

A:  There are pros and cons to using your health insurance benefits to pay for mental health care.

Pros:

• If you have coverage to see the provider you choose, it will probably be cost effective to use your health insurance to pay for services.
• Whether you are self-employed or work for an employer, you effectively pay a lot of money to have health insurance and it may make sense to get the most out of your benefit package by using insurance for therapy.
• Providers on health insurance panels are generally well-established in the community and mayhave more experience than providers who do not accept health insurance.

Cons:

• There are many circumstances in which you might want to keep the fact that you are in treatment, as well as any information about that treatment, completely private between you and your therapist.
• In order to qualify for benefits you must surrender a level of confidentiality to the insurance company that would otherwise remain between you and your therapist.
• Insurance company employees may ask for personal information to determine whether or not they think treatment is warranted.  These employees decide if you are eligible for treatment, rather than leaving that decision up you and your clinician.
• In order for insurance to reimburse your treatment you will receive a mental health diagnosis that goes in your permanent medical record.  This diagnosis constitutes a “pre-existing condition” that may be a disqualification from benefits in the future or may otherwise interfere with your coverage if you change plans.  Once you have used health insurance for mental health care you will also have to disclose your treatment history if you apply for life insurance and in certain other circumstances.
• Insurance policies often limit the number of sessions you are allowed to attend each year.  They may or may not authorize more sessions based on what they determine is a “medical necessity”.  Your therapist will have little say in this decision and making your case may involve a lot of paperwork and footwork on your part.
• Employers often change insurance companies to save money.  You may form a bond with your therapist only to find out that he or she is not a provider on your new plan.
• Insurance companies often limit sessions to 45 minutes.
• Some insurance companies offer different coverage depending on the severity of the diagnosis.  This means that a more severe diagnosis authorizes the client to receive more sessions with a lower copay and higher rate of reimbursement for the clinician than a less severe diagnosis.
• Insurance rarely pays for marital or relationship therapy.  Instead, one partner will be identified as the “identified patient” and will receive a mental health diagnosis.  The insurance company will then authorize conjoint treatment for that person and his/her partner.

It would be a mistake to be dissuaded from seeking treatment because of the issues surrounding health insurance coverage for mental health.  If you do not want to use your health insurance and are limited in what you can afford, there are several avenues available to you:  Social service agencies often offer lower fee services.  Interns usually charge less than licensed practitioners and some therapists work on a sliding fee scale.  You can also consider scheduling sessions less frequently.  Many types of therapy, mine included, do not necessitate weekly visits.  If there is a therapist you are interested in seeing, call and ask what the options are.

There are a variety of ways to think about the purpose and process of therapy.  Insurance companies see therapy as treatment for a mental illness or condition and they treat the insured as patients who will either qualify or not qualify for the treatment.  This is not an invalid way to think about mental health care, but it is not the only way.  People are usually looking for relief from symptoms of some kind when they seek help.  Many come to find that therapy becomes a tool for enhanced personal growth, responsibility, and relationship satisfaction.  The medical model of diagnosis and treatment is no longer particularly relevant at that point.  Although you are entitled to use your medical benefits as you wish and are permitted by your insurer, you may ultimately decide that the flexibility and privacy afforded by paying directly is worth any extra cost.

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