Marriage and Family Therapy Discussions

Sandplay can be very effective for children. It is a place where they can play and project their feelings and experiences through taking figures and putting them into the sand. The therapist gently guides them and asks questions. Can be effective for adults too.

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As a working mom I can relate to the feelings that many moms express and experience of inadequacy. Things like, I don't spend enough time with my kiddo, why do I sometimes feel like I want time away?..is that ok?, I don't want to do that Mommy and Me class - I don't even like yoga!.... but should I? Yikes!

If this is you too, don't fear. Congrats in fact, you are NORMAL. It is rare to be a mother and not experience self-doubt. I mean, seriously, look at how much society puts pressure on us moms. Don't feed your kids sugar and especially no red dye...but they love cupcakes so much, did you know that eating peanuts when pregnant can cause peanut allergies later on...but all I want is to scoop mounds of it in my mouth right now (me when I was pregnant), strange stares when your son refuses to wear his shoes in the store and when you put them back on with insistance he throws them at you and other shoppers and your daughter decides last minute to cake on mommy's brightest blue eye shadow on right before dance class and you realize it just as you're pulling up... 5 minutes late! Sound familiar? These are all a few real life examples from my darling family.

And if it couldn't get any worse, there is the big 'A' word that freaks all moms out and causes late night worried thoughts gone wild... ATTACHMENT. This word I have found to be so scary for the parents I work with - What is it? Does my kiddo have it? What if I mess up?

Ok, first, take a deep breath. The truth is there is no such thing as Supermom. She's a mythical character creating insecurities in moms across the land. She is actually either very, very exhausted or she has hired help. If your judging yourself to another mom who is cooking 200 cookies for the PTA, working 40 hours a week, dressing her clan in stylish and clean outfits, cooking dinner, feeding everyone organic out of her home garden and canning the leftovers and don't forget the morning cross fit classes to stay in shape - PLEASE STOP! This my fellow moms, is unrealistic. And guess what? YOU are still a good parent... probably a great one actually.

 I remember in Graduate School learning about Dr. Winnicott. However, he wasn't really that relevant to me until later. Until I became a parent. Now, he is a savior and I want to share with you all what he taught me and others about parenting:

The concept is GOOD ENOUGH. Dr. Winnecott was a pediatrician and psychoanalyst who in 1953 coined this term after research and interactions with mothers and babies. He states that not only will you fail, but it's ok and...get this... a good thing. That as children grow and develop a mother's failures help the child adapt to being more and more independent and able. It's the love, the caring, the thought that matters most. We will all fail - some of us tiny and some of us big, some of us a lot and some just here and there. In the end, we only need to be good enough and that is it.

So, please stop comparing yourself to the perfect mother, perfect daughter perfect wife, perfect therapist (yes, we do it too) and just BE. Be present, be you, be "good enough" and relax.

Enjoy. xo.

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Hi all,

Well I happen to be on break right now from a TF-CBT conference/training to become a nationally certified trainer. This modality is used most often to treat children who have experienced various traumas. Can be adapted for younger kiddos (not younger than 3) by doing art and play therapy. Here is a little about it:

OVERVIEW TF-CBT cognitive-behavior therapy program is targeted at children who are experiencing symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Trauma-Focused Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT) involves individualized therapy sessions in which children are given emotional skills training and later, with the help of trained therapists, children begin to confront the experience which initialized the PTSD symptoms.

DESCRIPTION OF SIERRA FAMILY THERAPY PROGRAM Target population: Children and adolescents who have been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Trauma-Focused Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT) is used by us for children and adolescents who have developed clinical levels of PTSD. In young children, this disorder is often the result of sexual or physical abuse (can be natural disasters, emotional abuse, and other events as well). Our program seeks to teach children skills to cope with the difficulties that this disorder creates. At the same time, therapy sessions are used to help children confront and deal with painful or scary past experiences.

Need help?

Sierra Sparks, LMFT

530-913-5054 - call for appointment

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How do you start a conversation with a reluctant teen? Here are six ideas to try.

1. Start with something EASY! Not every conversation has to be about feelings and relationships. Read a book and discuss the choices the characters made. Watch a movie and talk about it.Take an article from a teen magazine and discuss it. Share thoughts about the last sermon the two of you heard.

2. Use time at the table. Family dinners encourage conversa­tions, but let everybody share the load. Think of a few questions for people to answer, and avoid judging the replies. Some possible topics: quizzes at school, favorite films, reports due, assemblies attended, geography trivia, headline news.

3. Refine your questions. Learn to ask gentle questions that require more than a yes-or-no answer. Let's say you and your teen are at a Mexican restaurant. You might start the conversation by asking:

"How is life going for you?"

If your teen just shrugs and bites into that giant burrito, try some less-sweeping queries. "What level of your video game are you at now? What's the most challenging thing about it?"

"How do you think basketball is going? Where do you want to improve? What's Coach Welch say about the team's prospects?"

If your teen still doesn't want to talk about herself, get her talking about her friends. "What do you like best about Sara?"

4. Make the most of drive time. Tired of being your teen's chauffeur? Unless talking in the car disturbs your concentration as a driver, discuss topics that come up naturally. That might include the weather, where your teen would like to go if he could go anywhere, the rudeness of a driver who cuts you off or the kinds of cars your teen likes.

5. Use the cover of darkness. Some kids find it easier to talk at night, especially in the dark. If you go into your teen's room at bed­time to pray, ask for a prayer request; it might lead to his opening up and sharing concerns.

Another nighttime opportunity: Greeting your teen after a date, offering a snack and making yourself avail­able for a chat. One parent told us, "We found that if we waited up for them after a date or a night out with friends, they seemed to let down their guard and share more. Some of our best talks happened late at night. And we would have missed them if we'd just hollered out a 'Did you lock the door?' from our bedroom."

Be sure not to turn these post-date wrap-ups into the Span­ish Inquisition, though. My wife and I would start things off with a cheery, "Hey, welcome home! We were just wanting to get a bowl of ice cream with you. Is that okay?" We tried not to stare into their eyes. We'd get that cold stuff on a spoon; right before shoveling it in, we'd ask, "How was it?"

Other after-date conversation starters might include, "You looked so great tonight when you went out. Did you feel that way, too?" "I had fun meeting your date. What was he like?" "What was the best part about tonight?"

6. Try commercial conversations. Watch a favorite TV show together and talk during the commercials. View a football game and talk during the halftime show. Watch the news and discuss the stories during the breaks. These short bursts of communica­tion, conducted without having to sit face-to-face, may be just the thing for the really reluctant talker.

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And its ok! Everyone (almost everyone anyways) needs couples therapy at some point in their relationship.

1. You're barely speaking. Many relationship challenges are simply challenges in communication. A therapist can help facilitate new ways to communicate with each other. Once communication has deteriorated, often it's hard to get it going back in the right direction.

2. You bicker constantly. Negative communication includes anything that leaves one partner feeling judged, shamed, disregarded, insecure or wanting to withdraw from the conversation. Negative communication also includes, the tone of conversation because it’s not always what you say, but how you say it. Negative communication can also escalate into emotional abuse, as well as non-verbal communication.

3. Attention is withheld as punishment. My client Ann's ex-husband would get angry over small things and then withhold affection (including giving her the silent treatment). If one partner starts to act as a "parent" or "punisher," starving the other of actual love as a weapon, there is a lack of balance in the relationship.

In the Grass Valley, Ca area?

Sierra Family Therapy

(530)913-5054

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