Marriage and Family Therapy Discussions
Music and Teen Happiness Link
by Sierra Sparks, MFT on 06/09/14
A new study shows that the way teenagers listen to music is linked to how happy they are.
“Happiness” seems like a simple concept, but you can think about it in two different ways. First, there is feeling happy in the moment, like when you hear your favorite song on the radio. Second, there is the happiness that comes from feeling good about your life overall.
We know that music can contribute to the first kind of happiness, but can it also contribute to the second kind?
It turns out that the answer depends on why people listen to music.
Researchers asked more than 200 college students about their reasons for listening to music. They wanted to know if the students were listening for their own reasons–for example, because music gives them pleasure.
Or were the students listening for different kinds of reasons–for example, to fit in with a peer group?
The research team discovered that the students who listened for their own reasons were happier with their lives.
In fact, the reasons students gave for listening to music turned out to be more important than the amount of time they spent listening.
But a mystery remains: Were the students happy because they listened to music for their own reasons, or did their happiness allow them to act on what was important to them rather than doing things just to fit in?
Warning signs of violence - Could Elliot Rogers shooting been avoided?
by Sierra Sparks, MFT on 05/26/14
Could the Santa Barbara shooting have been avoided? Could there have been more intervention and resources for Elliot Rogers who had been to multiple therapists? These are often questions we ask after the fact. Truth is, in my opinion, maybe and maybe not. Sociopaths come in all shapes, sizes and symptoms. As a therapist and mom it's important to be aware (and educate my clients to be aware) of the signs that may lead to a dangerous situation. Research shows that sociopaths don't always (and often never) engage in violence. The following warning signs are important because these are signs of a potential spiral into violence. These signs do not mean that a child will become violent, but that they might.
If your child or a child you know is beginning to show these signs it's important to speak up, get help, acquire resources, notify authorities. To my therapist colleagues, if your client is showing these signs, seek more professional intervention, supervision, refer out for testing and psychiatric evaluations and document all attempts.
Warning signs leading to an escalation of violence:
-Refusal to take prescribed psychotropic medications
-History of bringing weapons to school/community and/or obsession with violence (fantasies, discussion, writings about slaughter/killing)
-Lack of empathy
-Grandiose sense of self ("I am a God" "A supreme gentleman" - Elliot Rogers)
-Victim of bullying (feeling rejected)
-Loneliness and social withdrawal
-A desire to dominate others ("I will punish you all" -Elliot Rogers)
-Talking about revenge - past and/or present threats (Elliot Rogers "day of retribution")
-Often sociopaths speak poetically (see Charles Manson interview). They are master wordsmiths, able to deliver a running "stream of consciousness" monologue that is both intriguing and hypnotic.
-Delusional, twisted sense of reality, inventing bizarre tales
Couples: Revamp your sex!
by Sierra Sparks, MFT on 05/06/14
#1 Go dancing often. Married sex is boring because it’s easily accessible. So find a way to get forcefully restricted from having sex whenever you feel like it, especially when you’re horny. And what better way than a sexy party where both of you are lost in the midst of sex and booze on the dance floor?
Grind with each other, touch each other and play with each other until both of you feel really horny. You can party, you can touch and you can see, but you can’t do more. By the end of it all, both of you would be so horny you wouldn’t be able to wait until you get home to undress each other.
#2 Go on separate vacations. This isn’t a preparation for divorce. This is a process to help understand your own sexuality and realize how much you want your partner. When both of you are together all the time, it’s easy to take things for granted.
By going away on a separate vacation for a few days with your own friends, it’ll work in two ways. Your lover will be excited to have you back in their arms. And all the flirty attention you’d get when you’re away without your spouse in your arms will make you feel more sexy and confident about yourself.
#3 Sexual role play. Role playing is one of the sexiest things a couple can do. Yes, it’s more elaborate and time consuming because both of you actually have to dress up instead of just getting naked. If you’re tried role playing at any time and haven’t really been turned on, perhaps you’ve picked the wrong costume.
At times, you and your lover may not be truthful enough to speak about outfits that really turn both of you on. Give this a serious thought and dress up for each other. To start off, wear Venetian or masquerade masks while having sex. You’ll understand just how sexy both of you will feel.
#4 Fantasize together. All of us have unfulfilled sexual fantasies. And at times, you meet someone or walk past someone who really turns you on sexually. This is something all of us can relate to. Ever met someone and secretly wished you were single and could make out with this sexy person?
Well, when you’re in a relationship with someone you love, you really can’t stray, can you? Instead of feeling tied down in a relationship or regretting your own love life, talk about other people that excite you in bed with each other. Yes, this sounds rather risqué and isn’t for the faint hearted. But in a truly understanding relationship, your partner would know that it’s natural to get sexually attracted to someone else now and then. You’re human, after all! Now you may think this would ruin your relationship, but it can bring both of you closer and help each other understand your sexual sides better, which will prevent sexual frustrations from piling up which can lead to an affair. Talk about another person or create fantasies with your partner that involves another person in your thoughts. Even your partner would be more excited to hear your deepest sexual fantasies.
#5 Explore sex. Even the best of things can get boring when it turns into a routine. Sex too, just like all other exciting things can start to get monotonous after a few years. Don’t let that happen. As soon as you feel like lovemaking is starting to feel like a routine, bring a new twist into the bedroom. Always look for ways to keep sex exciting by trying something new and bolder all the time.
#6 Go out on a date. Meet each other directly at the date. Don’t pick each other up. Meet up at a club and head out to dinner, or do something both of you would like. It’ll remind you of the good old days when both of you would meet each other outside the house.
Want to make it more sexually exciting? Pretend like both of you don’t know each other. Call yourself by some other name that your partner finds sexy, and let your partner do the same. Meet at a club, buy your lover a drink and hit the dance floor. Make up stories about your own lives and have fun indulging in a sexual conversation with a *stranger* while running your hands all over each other.
#7 Book a hotel room. Sometimes, a bit of romance can make married sex feel sexier too. If you’ve got some time off, spend an afternoon or a night in a hotel room. Sleeping in a whole new surrounding can make both of you feel more sexy and give both of you the space to try something kinky like having sex close to an open window!
#8 New spaces. If your kids are away and you have the house to yourself, have sex in places where you couldn’t have sex before. Do it on the couch, the kitchen, or even the bathroom under the shower. If both of you are lacking the passion to do something like this, start off by watching porn while sitting on the couch. It may just help both of you get started.
#9 Go on a sex vacation. Nothing beats a sex vacation to reignite the fire in a flickering sex life. To a newly married couple, all these tips may seem shocking or rather bold. But it takes several years of married life and a depressing sex life to understand just how hard it is to keep the libido on a high for years on end.Take off for a couple of weeks and head out to a beach destination where you can spend time with each other on isolated spots, indulging in some sexy fun with each other.
#10 Invite another couple (no, not like that..). Why have a fun twosome when you can have a wild foursome? No, really, I don’t mean swapping of any kind here. But your sexual life can get a lot better just by involving another couple into your sexual lives. Ever wondered why public display of affection or wearing revealing clothes feels so sexy? Well, that’s because you’re being watched.
Many Questions to Start a Family Discussion
by Sierra Sparks, MFT on 05/06/14
Getting to Know Your Child
• What are the three most interesting things about you?
• Name five reasons you’re glad to be alive.
• If you could have any super power, what would it be and why?
• What’s your favorite song? Why?
• What do you want to be when you grow up? Why?
• What’s your favorite movie? Why?
• Why do you think kids put rings in their eyebrows and noses and bellybuttons?
• How about tattoos?
• Do you think you would ever want to do that? Why or why not?
• If we could go anywhere you wanted on vacation, where would you choose? Why?
• If you could have a conversation with anyone in history, who would it be?
• What would you want to ask them?
• What is your earliest memory?
• What are you most proud of?
• If you could change one thing about your appearance, what would it be?
• Is there anything about you that inspires other people in any way?
• What is your idea of an ideal day?
• If you were invisible where would you go and what would you do?
• What is a quality you wish you could have more of?
• If you could ask anyone for help, who would it be and why?
• What scares you the most and why?
• What makes you feel better?
• What do you worry about the most?
• What is your biggest goal this year?
Your relationship with your child
• What is your favorite thing about our relationship?
• What is your least favorite thing about our relationship?
• Do you think you can tell me anything?
• If you got into really big trouble, how do you think I would respond?
• Is there something I can do better that I am not doing now?
• Do you feel like you could talk with me about anything at all?
• If we had a special day together what would you want to do?
• Do I ever embarrass you?
Family
• How do you think your friends' families compare to ours? Are they about as close? Closer? More distant? Why do you think that?
• Do you think your friends talk to their parents?
• What do you think makes a family close?
• On a scale of 1 to 10, how strict are the parents in this family? What is the ideal number?
• Is the discipline in our family fair?
• What’s the best thing about our family?
• If you could change one thing about your parents, what would it be?
• What are the most important things your parents have taught you?
• What do you think are the most important qualities of a good parent?
• What do you think makes a happy family?
• Tell each person in the family why you’re glad they’re part of the family.
• How do you think our family is the same or different from other families?
• Do you want to have kids when you grow up? Why or why not?
• What kind of parent will you be?
• Do you think you will be close to your siblings when you grow up?
• How many of your ancestors can you name and what do you know about them?
• What is your favorite family tradition?
• What three words do you think best describe our family?
Blended families
• Do blended families take more work? Can they be as happy as birth families?
• Do you ever miss your dad?
• Do you think things would be different if your dad was still with us and I had never met your step-dad? How?
• Even though your step-dad is not your biological dad, you know he adores you. Do you feel close to him?
• You know, to your little sister you are completely her sister, not her stepsister. Do you feel that way, or is it different for you? Do you feel close to her?
• When you both grow up, do you think you will stay connected?
• Do you think it’s harder for adopted kids than birth kids?
• Do you think it’s a good idea for adopted kids to look up their birth parents? Why or why not?
Values
• What traits do you most admire in other people?
• Do you think it's okay to lie about your age to get into an Amusement Park with a cheaper ticket? Is it ever ok to lie?
• Do you think your parents ever lie?
• What kinds of lies do your friends tell their parents?
• Does it matter if a person makes a moral or immoral choice, if no one ever knows?
• Is it ever ok to cheat, in academics, sports, business?
• Do adults automatically deserve respect? How do you earn respect?
• What could our family do that would make the world a better place?
• What do you think the biggest problem in the world is? How about in our country?
• How would you change the world if you could?
• What do you think the "take-away" message of this movie is? • Do you admire the hero? Why or why not?
School & Learning
• Who is or was your favorite teacher? Why?
• Do you think there is a difference between being smart and being wise?
• What are the best and worst things about school?
• What do you know how to do that you could teach someone else?
• How common do you think cheating is at your school?
• What would you do if all the other kids were planning to cheat on the final and you knew that doing so would lower your grade?
• What do you think makes the most difference in how kids do at school? Hard work, innate ability, parental supervision, peer attitudes, how good the school is?
• Do you think it makes sense to admit students to a college based only on academic achievement or should an attempt be made to achieve racial and ethnic diversity as well?
• Do you think kids from wealthier school districts have an unfair advantage?
• What do you think about home-schooling?
Emotions
• Do you know what EQ (emotional intelligence quotient) is? If someone has a high EQ, what are they like?
• How do you feel when someone is angry with you? How do you act?
• Are you a "cup is half full" or "cup is half empty" kind of person?
• What do you do to cheer yourself up when you feel down?
• Have I never not noticed when you're sad?
• What is the best way for me to help you when you feel grumpy?
• When do you like me to hug you? When does it embarrass you?
• What hurts your feelings? How do you act when your feelings are hurt?
• What are the different kinds of courage? How do you define bravery?
Drug and Alcohol use
• Why do you think it's illegal for kids under the age of 21 to drink alcohol? After all, many parents do it.
• Why are marijuana and other drugs illegall?
• What would you do if you were in a car and the driver had been drinking or smoking marijuana?
• What if the driver was a grown-up, like your friend's parent?
• What do you think happens in the brain when people smoke marijuana? Why shouldn't kids smoke it?
• Have you ever thought that I drank too much? Acted differently when I drank alcohol?
• When do you think kids are ready to try alcohol?
• Do you know any kids or adults who you think have alcohol or drug problems?
• When do you think kids are ready to try alcohol?
• Do you know any kids who have tried alcohol or drugs, what do you think of them?
• What do the kids at your school do at parties?
• Have you been to a party like that? Have you ever been offered a drink? A marijuana cigarette or other drugs?
• How did you handle it?
• What would you do if you were at a party and someone passed out from drinking alcohol?
• Would you be worried about becoming addicted to alcohol or drugs?
• Do you think coffee is a drug? When do you think it’s ok for kids to start drinking coffee?
Friendship & Peers
• Who is your best friend and why?
• What traits do you look for in friends?
• Do you think you're good at making friends?
• Where do you consider yourself on the shy to outgoing continuum?
• Do you think there is a such thing as peer pressure? Do you ever feel peer pressure? Do you think some people are more susceptible to peer pressure than others? Why do you think that is?
• What do you think makes a person popular? Are wealthier kids more popular? Kids who mature faster?
• Are you popular? Why or why not? Would you like to be?
Love, Sex & Marriage
• At what age do you think people can fall in love? At what age should people marry?
• Do you think people should be married to have sex? If not, how should they decide whether they’re ready?
• What do you think changes when you have sex?
• How do you think love is different in real life than it is in the movies?
• What would be most important to you in looking for a spouse?
• Do you think any of the kids at school are not virgins? What do you think about that?
• Do kids at your school actually “date”? What do you think about the idea of “friends with benefits”? Does the girl benefit as much as the guy?
• Do you think girls and guys have the same needs from sex and relationships?
• Do you know anyone who’s gay? Does anyone treat them differently? What do you think about that?
• Why do you think people get divorced? How do you think it affects the kids?
Body Image and Gender Roles
• How do you think ordinary peoples’ bodies compare to the models and actors on TV? How does it make you feel to watch them?
• What do you think of the way girls and guys in high school dress these days?
• Do you think girls look better with or without makeup?
• Is there a difference between "attractive" and "hot"? Between "hot" and "sexy"?
• How would you define “sexy”? Is it important to be “sexy”? Are some of the kids at school sexy? How does someone know if they’re sexy? Is it important that your future boyfriend or girlfriend be sexy?
• What are the most important qualities you would want in a boyfriend or girlfriend?
• Do you think most girls are glad when they reach puberty? Why or why not? Do you think most guys are glad when they reach puberty? Why or why not?
• What's the hardest thing about being a girl?
• What's the hardest thing about being a boy?
• Do you know anyone with an eating disorder? Why do you think kids develop eating disorders? Why do you think there’s such an emphasis on thin-ness in our society?
• Can you name three things that you really like about yourself that have nothing to do with what you look like?
• When do you feel the most proud of who you are?
5 Things Couples Therapy Should Do...
by Sierra Sparks, MFT on 05/06/14
1. Change the views of the relationship. Throughout the therapeutic process, the therapist attempts to help both partners see the relationship in a more objective manner. They learn to stop the "blame game" and instead look at what happens to them as a process involving each partner. They also can benefit from seeing that their relationship takes place in a certain context. For example, couples who struggle financially will be under different kinds of situational stresses than those who are not. Therapists begin this process by collecting "data" on the interaction between the partners by watching how they interact. Therapists then formulate "hypotheses" about what causal factors may be in play to lead to the way the couples interact. How they share this information with the couple varies by the therapist's particular theoretical orientation. There's empirical support for a variety of approaches from behavioral to insight-oriented. Different therapists will use different strategies, but as long as they focus on altering the way the relationship is understood, the couple can start to see each other, and their interactions, in more adaptive ways.
2. Modifies dysfunctional behavior. Effective couples therapists attempt to change the way that the partners actually behave with each other. This means that in addition to helping them improve their interactions, therapists also need to ensure that their clients are not engaging in actions that can cause physical, psychological, or economic harm. In order to do this, therapists must conduct a careful assessment to determine whether their clients are, in fact, at risk. If necessary, the therapist may recommend, for example, that one partner be referred to a domestic violence shelter, to specialized drug abuse treatment, or to anger management. It is also possible that if the risk is not sufficiently severe, the couple can benefit from "time-out" procedures to stop the escalation of conflict.
3. Decreases emotional avoidance. Couples who avoid expressing their private feelings put themselves at greater risk of becoming emotionally distant and hence grow apart. Effective couples therapists help their clients bring out the emotions and thoughts that they fear expressing to the other person. Attachment-based couples therapy allows the partners to feel less afraid of expressing their needs for closeness. According to this view, some partners who failed to develop "secure" emotional attachments in childhood have unmet needs that they carry over into their adult relationships. They fear showing their partners how much they need them because they are afraid that their partners will reject them. Behaviorally based therapists, assume that adults may fear expressing their true feelings because, in the past, they did not receive "reinforcement." Either way, both theoretical approaches advocate helping their clients express their true feelings in a way that will eventually draw them closer together.
4. Improves communication. Being able to communicate is one of the "three C's" of intimacy. All effective couples therapies focus on helping the partners to communicate more effectively. Building on principles #2 and #3, this communication should not be abusive, nor should partners ridicule each other when they do express their true feelings. Couples may, therefore, require "coaching" to learn how to speak to each other in more supportive and understanding ways. The therapist may also provide the couple with didactic instruction to give them the basis for knowing what types of communication are effective and what types will only cause more conflict. They can learn how to listen more actively and empathically, for example. However, exactly how to accomplish this step requires that therapists turn back to the assessments they performed early on in treatment. Couples with a long history of mutual criticism may require a different approach than those who try to avoid conflict at all costs.
5. Promotes strengths. Effective couples therapists point out the strengths in the relationship and build resilience particularly as therapy nears a close. Because so much of couples therapy involves focusing on problem areas, it's easy to lose sight of the other areas in which couples function effectively. The point of promoting strength is to help the couple derive more enjoyment out of their relationship. The behaviorally-oriented therapist may "prescribe" that one partner do something that pleases the other. Therapists from other orientations that focus more on emotions instead might help the couple develop a more positive "story" or narrative about their relationship. In either case, the therapist should avoid trying to put his or her own spin on what constitutes a strength and let this be defined by the couple.
Looking at the flip side, these five principles of effective therapy suggest ways that couples can build and maintain positive close relationships. Take an objective look at your relationship, to get help to reduce dysfunctional behaviors, feel that you can share your emotions, communicate effectively, and emphasize what's working. Most importantly, by remembering that each relationship has its unique challenges and strengths, you'll be giving yours the best chances for survival.